Three nights a week, somewhat for monetary purposes but mainly to feel like I have a life outside of children, writing, and cleaning the bathroom (I really don't), I wait tables at a borderline classy restaurant.
Being a server has taught me many things about life, human nature, and dirty jokes.
When people go out to eat, they don't want the truth. Because let's face it, the truth of restaurants is rarely as pretty as we'd like to think. Do you REALLY want to know if the bartender uses a glove when garnishing your foofy, bedazzled "I don't want to actually taste the liquor" cocktail?
Or how many calories are in that dish? Let's see...sauteed spinach and marinated chicken...yep, you'll need to starve yourself for the remainder of the week if you want to eat that. Oh you want to start with some nachos? Awesome, I hope you're pregnant with 10 babies right now because that's the only way you'll be hitting the appropriate calorie intake.
Trust me, I'm the exact same way. Sure it might not contain animal by products but was it really a good idea to eat half a bag in one sitting?
I'm going to go with yes.
And any time I come across an article informing me of the dangers of drinking Coke I definitely skip it.
I can only handle so much truth.
People also really don't want to hear about your life. Something I have serious issues with because if there's one thing I love, it's talking about myself. I am the over sharing queen of nonsense.
So I've learned to lie. Just a little.
"What do you recommend?"
"Well, I'm a vegan so I basically eat NOTHING on this menu. The two things I could actually eat, I wouldn't. Because I'm not putting that crap in my body. I'm too good for the food that you might enjoy. Yes I am that awesome, thanks for noticing.
I hear the Ribeye is great though."
Yep, that'd go over well.
A co-worker asked me the other night what I suggest when people ask me that question. I replied with "Scallops." Of course, they're pricey.
"But you're a vegan!"
"Scallops don't count, obviously. They deserve to die."
He looked confused then laughed because that's what people do when they're not sure if you're joking. I get that a lot. As C once told me, "99% of what comes out of your mouth is sarcasm."
I'm so glad I'm with someone who understands that.