When You Can't Swoop In and Save The Day

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I decided I had way too much free time on my hands taking care of my two small children, therefore I went out and adopted a dog.  Yes, there is a very good chance I'm insane.  If I didn't occasionally use it, I would totally donate my brain to some university so that its craziness could be studied.

My son is ridiculously shy.  He WANTS to be sociable, I can see it and it breaks my heart.  He attempts to say hi to other kids but freezes up and instead just stands there staring at them.  He'll usually utter a "hey" as they walk away.  He tries to talk to them but gets nervous and mixes up his words.  He tries to get their attention but his little voice can't seem to reach an audible level at that moment.

I know his pain because I've been there.  It's frustrating, nauseating, and all around really disappointing to be that shy.  I grew up like that, I turned into an angry and depressed teenager with no self-esteem.  I don't want that for my children.  Seeing him hurt is so much worse then any hurt I've ever felt.

As parents we try so hard to keep all the bad things in the world at bay, but there is some pain we can't protect our children from.  I hate it.  I hate it so much to see my baby sad and to not be able to fix it.

Of course I've googled it, as well as spoken to his pediatrician about it.  I do what I can, I try to get him involved.  I try to set up one on one play dates.  I try to build his confidence.  I try to talk to him, encourage him.  But honestly, it's looking more and more like this battle is going to be his own to fight.
I'm a control freak, this is not something I'm able to handle well.  I want to swoop in at the park wearing my Super Mom cape and magically equip him with the ability to talk and be sociable.

I also want to kick any kid that isn't nice to him, especially when he's trying so hard to involve himself but instead just standing there awkwardly.  I get that they're kids being stupid kids when one of them says "I don't want to play with you," to him, but if I was 5 I would totally push that little twerp into the mulch, then laugh when he cries.

Yea I said it.

The other really sucky part of this situation is that Conor is only 3, he can obviously talk but not always clearly to the point where sometimes kids really don't understand him.  However he's the size of an average 5 year old so older kids think he's their age and therefore don't understand why he's, well, acting like a 3 year old. Plus everyone knows 5-8 year olds err on the side of bratty little buttheads.

Yea I said that too.

What does this have to do with my first paragraph?  I'd planned on waiting until he was a little older to get him a dog, so that he really be responsible for it.  He loves animals, (hell, he still can't believe not everyone is a vegetarian), especially dogs.

The other day we were at the park and he was, of course, running around by himself.  Occasionally looking like he wanted to join in with some other kids but quickly changing his mind.  At one point he disappeared behind the playground set for a couple minutes so I went to check on him.  He was sitting on the ground next to a lady and her dog, petting it gently and talking softly to it.  My heart melted.

Being the responsible parent that I am, obviously, I immediately said "Conor did you ask if it was okay to pet the doggie?"  The woman nodded and told me he had.  My head immediately swelled with pride that he had behaved responsibly.

In that moment, staring at my painfully shy child hanging out with a random dog instead of any of the other children, I decided to hell with it, I'm getting my boy a freaking pet.

Allow me to introduce you to the newest member of our family, Lightning McQueen

Sunday Social

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This Week's Questions:
1)  Top 3 things you can't go a day without doing:
Drinking coffee, logging on to some form of social media, and praying


2)  3 things that scare you the most:
Spiders, driving in any kind of inclement weather, and stress

3) 3 places you want to see before you kick the bucket:
London, Ireland, and The Spy Museum in DC

4) 3 movies you will always love:
The Closer, Josie and the Pussycat Dolls, and Stars Wars (The original of course, take your pick)







Someone doesn't like me...Now what??

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My humor is not for the faint of heart.  It's snarky, blunt, sarcastic, and knows few boundaries.  If I had a dollar for every time my big mouth had gotten me in trouble or simply pissed someone off, well I wouldn't be driving a car old enough to go out and have a drink with me.

Luckily I have some thick skin.  I've never been one to fall apart when someone doesn't like me or appreciate my hilarity.

But I still get a crummy feeling in my stomach when someone is judging me.  I always feel the need to defend myself.  I often do.  I'm actually really good at it, when I was younger my mother would tell me I should be a lawyer because I could argue anyone into a corner.  Most of the time just for shits and giggles too.

The older I get, the less I give into the urge to bring shame down upon anyone who dares to misunderstand me.  I'm realizing that people are going to judge, they're going to misconstrue your actions or words and just go with it.  They're going to take a snapshot of your life and hop up on the nearest soapbox with it and go to town.  Sure you could climb up there with them and negate their assumptions with logic, truth, or reason.  But honestly what's the point?

Because you want them to like you?  I think at that point that ship has sailed.

So what DO you do when someone doesn't like you?

I feel these are your best options.



1)  Thank them kindly for the time they are so sweetly devoting to yours truly.  Offer them a signed copy of your work or perhaps your photograph to use as a prop in their story.

2)  Flash them a smile, give 'em a wink, and keep on being awesome.

3)  Ignore them.

In the words of teeny boppers everywhere....haters gonna hate.


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Top Five Ways Life in School Was Easier Then Life as a Stay At Home Mom

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I'm done with school but sometimes I miss the simplicity of it compared to "grown up life."  Don't get me wrong, wouldn't go back if you paid me in large amounts of chocolate covered espresso beans but still, certain aspects of it were nice.

Top Five Ways Life in School Was Easier Then Life as a Stay At Home Mom

1)
SCHOOL.  You had certain obligations, such as turning in homework, that was expected to be completed by a certain time.  But honestly, if you turned it in late they'd usually still accept it and if you skipped it every now and then it probably wouldn't even register on your over all grade.

REAL LIFE.  You have certain obligations, set forth by your children obviously, such as playing Candy Land several times a day.  While this is a fairly easy task, should you not have time to complete it, this will be deemed entirely unacceptable.  You will be reprimanded thoroughly and possibly reproached with tears and accusations.  Every failure to play Candy Land will be reflected on your mommy report card as issued verbally throughout each day by your 3 year old.

2)
SCHOOL.  Your schedule is put in place at the beginning of each year/semester.  You will know exactly where you need to be and can expect to be fed at the same time each day.

REAL LIFE.  Your schedule will consist of a long to-do list that cannot possibly be completed in 24 hours however every day you will still attempt to cram it all in while entertaining and parenting the little people who keep following you around.  You can expect to be fed never, although there may be time to chug a cold cup of coffee and shove a handful of animal crackers in your mouth.

3)
SCHOOL.  You will easily make friends with people whose lives are very similar to your own in the fact that you both go to school and are probably fed at the same time each day.  You will see these friends daily and swear eternal devotion, until of course one of you moves or finally starts dating that super sexy tuba player.

REAL LIFE.  Making friends will become one of the more difficult things in your life and it will be based largely on whose kids don't annoy the hell out of you.  But your focus will mainly be on maintaining the friendships you already have.  You will rarely see these friends unless under the guise of "play dates" or when one of you needs to be rescued from the little people and whisked away for a coveted "coffee date" (this will happen roughly once a year, probably on a birthday.  And when I say "coffee" I mean wine).  You actually WILL be eternally devoted to each other, if only because ditching each other to make better friends would be way too much trouble.  Texting or emailing will qualify as "hanging out."

4)
SCHOOL.  As long as you asked nicely or just left quietly you could go to the bathroom whenever needed.  Or even if it wasn't needed you could sneak off to the "bathroom" to make a phone call, have a secret rendezvous, touch up your make-up, or just get the hell of class.

REAL LIFE.  Using the bathroom is now a luxury.  You must control your bladder until everyone else's needs are met and even then you will probably need an escort of one or more children.  Life's cruel humor is that now your bladder, since birthing these little tyrants, is no longer one to listen to reason or wait patiently.



5)
SCHOOL.  You could take a sick day anytime you were sick, or you had something better to do.  Or you were just really tired.  Or your hair was super frizzy.

REAL LIFE.  You don't get a sick day.  EVER.  You better suck it up and down that Theraflu lady because school is in session and it ain't over till THEY say it's over.  Hopefully you've learned your lesson and next time your immune system will work a little harder.  Or you won't go buck wild and stay up until 2 AM watching the latest season of Glee on Netflix huh?


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Things I Swore I'd Never Do/Say As A Parent

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I find myself, on a regular basis, doing things that would shock, embarrass, even disgust my former pre-kids self.  If you think I'm a know it all now, you should have met that conceited little twerp.  I could have written a book about parenting back then, I was so knowledgeable.  It would have been entitled "Parenting Advice from Someone Who Sleeps Until Noon, is a Beer Pong Aficinado, and Has No Idea That a Rectal Thermometer is a Thing."  Would have flown off the shelves.

THINGS I SWORE I'D NEVER DO/SAY AS A PARENT

1)  Replace favorite swear words with super cool words such as fudge, shizzle, heck, gosh darnnit, oh snap, jelly, etc


Along those same lines, catch myself saying "watch your language" to young co-workers.  Why don't they ever invite me out??

2)  Stay up until 11 with the super sexy man of my dreams watching Grey's Anatomy, discussing how much we love Jackson and April, and playing Words with Friends.  Then say something along the lines of "I can't believe how late it is!  Whew, we're really living life on the edge tonight huh??"  No seriously, I think I need to go bed now.

3) Sleep in until 9, jump out of bed and wonder what I'm doing with my life that I would waste away the morning like that.

4) Confess out loud during otherwise normal conversations that I genuinely love the smell of baby spit up because it makes me think of babies.  Talk about that new baby smell...mmmm.

5)  Wear Ann Taylor and refer to high heels as "fancy shoes."

6)  Throw the word naughty around is all seriousness, without even giggling.

7)  Buy tickets ahead of time for the Monsters Inc prequel.

8)  Get super excited whenever the Super Why theme song comes on.

9)  Have 7 different anecdotes prepared, complete with visual aides, for anytime someone asks "so how're the kids?"

10) Upload roughly 300 pictures a week to facebook and instagram of my kids.  I know it's annoying when OTHER people do it but seriously, my kids are REALLY cute.

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True Love? Shaving Your Legs is Now a BONUS!

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Today I put the necessary cover up on to tone down the adult acne just a smidgen, straight ironed my bangs so that I no longer looked like a bad 80's decision, piled my tangled hair on top of my head with a clip, slapped on some jeans and a sweater, and finished up with a quick spritz of body spray in place of an actual shower.  


I even put on a bra and clean socks.  

C takes one look at my bare minimum effort, hot mess self and whistles.  "How YOU doing?"  He says with a wink.

I roll my eyes, obviously.  

"Seriously baby," he says.  "For the past two days you've been in sweats and my t-shirts, your hair has been sticking straight up, and I don't think you showered.  You are looking gooooood right now."  

Now to be fair I've been sick so stop judging me.  I usually get dressed in the mornings.  Okay fine.  The afternoons.  

I couldn't help but smile, that's true love right there.  Lowered standards.

I'm kidding.  I know every writer for Cosmopolitan ever is about to be highly ashamed of me as a woman, but seriously, I love how comfortable marriage (or long term committed relationships, why don't those have a better name yet?) is.  

I love that I CAN put forth the effort to sexify myself, but I don't have to.  

I love that C thinks I look good in his gym shorts. 

I love that he says things to me like "hey, you've already got me, you've even had my baby!" when I joke about not getting "done up" anymore. 

I love that the days of 2 hour grooming routines just to get ready for a date are OVER.

I love that I can get passionate kisses before brushing my teeth.  I don't because I'm neurotic when it comes to my oral hygiene ritual, but I appreciate that the option is there. 

I'm all for "keeping the romance alive" or the "fire burning" or what not, but it's nice when the romance just takes care of itself in the form of me changing out of my pajamas.







You Know You Have a Favorite Kid

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Anyone who says they don't have a favorite kid is LYING.  In fact, they're probably the same person who, when asked in the first 3 months of motherhood how it was treating them, responded with "oh it's wonderful, being a mommy is such a beautiful thing."

Again with the lies!  Motherhood isn't beautiful!  It's messy, pudgy, wrinkly, chaotic, snotty, and often times extremely smelly.

I know a woman who happily procreated several times and ended up with 4 very different children.  All of them are now grown adults and let me tell you what she ended up with.  A successful business man, a convicted felon, a happily married housewife, and woman who loves more then her fair share of men and illegal substances.

Now tell me that mother doesn't have favorites.  If she openly admitted it, would you judge her?  Hell no, you'd say I hear ya sister!  And if you didn't then I'd be judging you.

So why is it so different for women who have children of a younger age to admit to having favorites?  Because our kids aren't done developing and therefore we need to remain neutral until they've fully ripened as individual beings?  I mean yea, don't go reporting your favorite to the Census Bureau then go and get said child's face on a plaque engraved with their name and the words "My Favorite."

But can't we just admit some days we pick favorites?  It doesn't only make us human, it makes us better parents.

Some days we're going to look at our cranky, screaming 3 month old and think "can't you just take a frickin nap already" so that we can turn our attention to our sweet and witty toddler who is starving for our attention but handling it like a champ.  Other days we're counting down the hours until we can put our tantrum throwing, attitude spewing preschooler down for an early bedtime so we can get in some much needed cuddles with our adorable, giggling 1 year old.

That's what makes us human.  What's going to really perfect our parenting skills is the fact that focusing on these thoughts, we're going to work that much harder to behave fairly in the face of wildly temperamental offspring.

If you can survive a day of pure madness with your children with your biggest "fail" being that you mentally favored one of your kids, pat yourself on the back and dub it a success!